Unexpected turn.

 

It's been years since I do this - blogging. This, will be personal and graphic context, so read at your own risk. 😬

2019 and first half of 2020, I was living a very normal, healthy and functioning life - started really busy with work when I returned to Mandarin Oriental. It's also the same year I attended 3 weddings and became bridesmaid for the first time. 2019 was truly exciting yet hectic year.

So the purpose of this blog post - my health (again) took a turn that I never expected. No, it's not my knee or anything to do with my joint. This is something that I least expected, especially when there's no uncomfortable feeling or symptoms.

Summarize the beginning of my new found health problem, I had very regular period for the entire year of 2019 until June 2020. I was happy, thankful and excited everytime I have period - because of my past delayed period issues and countless doctor appointments with gynecologist during high school, I felt that finally my body has regulate itself. 

Fast forward to July 2020, I didn't had my period. I thought MAYBE a slight delayed, so I waited. A month, two, three, four, five, six months gone by ... no sign of period cramps nor period. Anxiety is already through the roof but yet I convinced myself to wait one more month. Seventh month came, still nothing. I decided to see the gynecologist I've been going to and he did a transvaginal ultrasound - on the television there showed I have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). I have more than 10 cysts on one side of the ovary and doctor explained it's extremely normal yet something that there's no medicine can properly treat it. Doctor explained I can take Duphaston again (like I've always been when I missed out 3 months or more period). Despite having it, my period did not came like it used to nor normal. In fact, it was dry, chunky and in dark brown colored. I went back to see the doctor again and the first thing he asked me is : Have you done a pap smear? The answer is simply no. All these years it was never suggested to take the test and I wasn't at the age to do it, thus it's a no. So I got it done at the gynecologist clinic on December 2020. 

Result came back that my cervix is abnormal, has a thick lining and potentially cancer. The gynecologist then was very sure I'm on my first stage of cervix cancer and it really shocked me. The reason is that I had the vaccine for cervix cancer done when I was 14-15 years old. Thus, I didn't think it was possible for me to actually have cervix cancer, but I'm definitely not surprised if I have HPV (human papillomavirus) - if you realized, I wasn't linking the HPV and cancer then. 😑

I was not happy and in fact was too shocked, I start to think on all the what if I have cancer. I then visited the clinic again with Chyu Ern and the doctor wrote me a letter as I refused to go to the recommended hospital to consider on getting my cancer treatment. Chyu Ern advised me to get a second opinion from a gynecologist in hospital, just so I can confirmed my situation before making any rash decision. And I did!

I randomly picked Dato' Dr Ang Chin Guan ( doctor's profile & clinic schedule ) at Subang Jaya Medical Centre, because his picture somehow reminds me of how my dad looks when he was much younger - except my dad have a mole on his chin (ridiculous reason but hey, I'm lucky and very thankful that he's my doctor now 😊). Chyu Ern accompanied me to see Dato' Dr Ang after New Year, and it was nerve wrecking to bring the previous documentation of how my cervix shows abnormality. On that day itself, the fear is more on the what if it's worse than what I was told, and it's extremely stressful, emotionally. 

Doctor was not too interested on the letter wrote from the previous gynecologist but more interested on the report. Doctor made me lay down and did 3 test - ultrasound, transvaginal ultrasound and a pelvic exam. During the transvaginal ultrasound, the television showed that the cysts only left half of what I had a month ago. That was a sign of relief yet, it still doesn't justify why the pap smear result showed abnormality. Doctor then advised to do another pap smear with HPV test and wait for the results for a week.

A week gone by, I was excited to see Dato' Dr Ang because I tried to convince myself that it will not be anything serious - maybe just in my head and my extremely overthinking. I never expected to cry when doctor told me that the result showed I'm very highly on a pre-cancer stage as they found 2 strains of HPV - one of it was deadly and cancerous. It really felt like a stab in my heart but I know I have to breathe and go through this with strength. I know some people may say that it's not even cancer, why am I freaking out? To find out that you might have it, really scares you, especially when I overthink everything and anything in my life.

Doctor then told me we can still reverse this and that's where I felt comforted immediately. Doctor did not suggest but encouraged me to do a small procedure so that I may not have the chance in stepping into the cancer stage. Doctor told me the best decision is to do a colposcopy and carbon dioxide laser - again, the fear of walking into operating theatre haunt me. But I know, if I don't what I can to prevent this further develop, I may regret it for the rest of my life and truly be a burden to everyone around me, especially my parents.

Date was set - it will be a day before the Chinese New Year's Eve. Sapphire came to be with me through the procedure. I was calm, confident and certain on that day itself, the procedure will be quick and painless despite my tolerance towards pain is very low. Doctor begin with the colposcopy - where a metal speculum will be inserted from your vagina and a microscope with light will be helping doctor to see a very clear view on what's is wrong on the cervix area. Immediately, I felt uncomfortable and pain from the metal (it's due to the sensitivity of my vagina but it varies for all women). The moment doctor asked me to look at the television from the view of microscope, I immediately burst into tears because I see the growing cell that doctor mentioned to me before. It was measured up to 2cm, and growing. I couldn't hold back my emotions, my fear and my tears. All hell broke loose while I wailed like a toddler - pretty much the best description on how hard I cried through the procedure. Doctor tried to lighten my mood and lessen my fear with a joke or two, but I couldn't hear anything because the fear kicked in.

I have 3 nurses and Sapphire (total of 4 women) hold me down while doctor tried to take a small sample of the growing cell. After it was done, I was still crying due to extreme fear, and doctor make it clear he will use laser to burn off the cell, if I calm down to finish the procedure. I panicked and I start to cry even more, expressing that I'm afraid of pain and practically in pain - it's more on the discomfort of metal speculum then. Doctor then did a last minute pain killer injection on the cervix, before he could proceed the usage of laser. And my fear for needles, has never ever improved growing up thus, I get even more out of control emotionally seeing the needle from the screen and felt a very slight prick. Doctor had the nurses to continue hold me down so he may proceed with burning off the cell. The pain killer only kicked in when doctor starts to burn the growing cell - the bright light on the television scares me even more.

By the time doctor is done, I was shaking because I did not expect to see that growing cell (looks like an ulcer but much bigger in size), nor expect to have the laser done there and then. I'm definitely not ready for anything but in a way, I'm proud of myself for doing it, knowing that I probably will chickened out and give I-rather-die reason. Doctor told me I did good and it's done, there's no reason to cry anymore but I was still in my shock stage. Doctor told me lay down until I feel calm and better to walk, before walk back to his clinic in the hospital. The walk from the procedure room and to doctor's clinic takes less than a minute. Doctor wrote me a medical certification and told me to rest, and I'll see him the following week for wound cleaning.

I went back home feeling barely any pain except slight cramp but nothing major. The only thing is that there's so many discharge, particularly yellow. The amount of pantyliner I use since then it's remarkably a lot and doctor said it's normal. I have done my first wound cleaning just on Wednesday, and surprisingly doesn't hurt except just uncomfortable having something really hard placed inside your vagina. I also did the new and improved formula of vaccine - click HERE to know more about this vaccine or please speak to your gynecologist (if you want recommendation on doctor, I encouraged to see my current doctor, Dato' Dr Ang Chin Guan).

Doctor advised all men and women who are virgins or sexually active, with or without protection, to take this vaccine as it covers a lot of deadly HPV strains. There's 3 injections for the vaccine - you will need to take the second injection 2 months after the first injection, and 6 months after the second injection. The injection will be done on your hip area and trust me when I said it's painless - coming from someone who cries endlessly over injection, and I did not cry for this nor felt it was done.

So what's in it now for me? I will be going back for a weekly wound cleaning and check up. I will also need another pap smear done (doctor will advised when it's the time to do so) to ensure that what was removed will not grow again nor be surprised with anything new. However, doctor said it's very highly unlikely to have anything after all these been done, thus I'm extremely happy and very thankful.

I do blame myself on this as I did make mistakes on the protection part, and also not properly going for a body check up. I do not wish to blame anyone from my past as I could have been smarter and make the right move but, I was young, foolish, childish and immature - thinking my chances of contracting it be low due to the vaccine I took before. The previous vaccine only covers the main two deadly HPV strains and that was more than 10 years ago, so the fault is truly on mine. And this also taught me, to be more alert, aware and to keep update on what's new on the medical side - like new vaccine, new treatment, prevention and etc. I feel like I should be more cautious in every decision I'm going to make, moving forward.

I'm also very thankful for my family, mainly my parents, my closest friends and my colleagues to have pray and check on me. Truly big thank you as well to Chyu Ern, for telling me that I need to go for a second opinion before making any decision and also Sapphire, who went through it on the procedure day with me - who also got a free education class (as what my doctor said to her) and also a very nice live view of my private area 😂. I felt much better emotionally and I'm looking forward to be clean for good. I can't wait to feel free because even with the slight good news, I do still have this deep fear, and this fear always make me feel extremely emotional. I definitely have a much weaker days where I cried for no reason or when I feel overwhelmed - especially with the pandemic we're in, it's very hard to feel good. And for that, I applaud everyone for being strong.

In conclusion, I don't have cancer but pre-cancer stage - leaning towards the borderline of first stage cervix cancer. I will never know what it's like to have cancer, and with this current experience I'm having, I felt extremely amazed on how strong and brave all those who are battling cancer are, every step of their battle. Anyone with chronic sickness besides cancer, are also the people who showed nothing but strength through it all and with that being said, I've a lot to learn and growing to do. This experience taught me a lot and I'm thankful it was detected earlier and also I have the access to healthcare. I can only count how blessed I am with this life I have. 

Thank you to anyone who actually bothers reading this ... because sometimes words are too hard to be said, but writing gives a sense of relieve that I couldn't explained but it felt really good. 😊 Until then, I shall think about what to write next, or maybe not.

Signing off with lots of love, X.